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Could you please read this for me? PLEASEEEEE!?

CHASE - 2009-10-07 11:20:00 - Books Authors

Here's the novel I'm working on. I just started writing it. It's about a girl, named Allison whom relies on her looks for everything. She questions herself every single day. When Allison gets in a car wreck, it destroys her most important feature: her face. --------------------------- I woke up like any other weekday morning; the alarm goes off, fills my ears with annoyance, travels to my brain and tells me it’s time to wake up and start my day. I hit the snooze button with much joy. The noise stopped. I rolled to my left side and threw the covers over my head. I shut my eyes temporarily, hoping to fall back asleep and savor what little sleep I do have but, in five minutes, I would have to repeat this process until I finally get up. I threw the covers off of me and groaned with displeasure. My eyes are tired and haven’t adjusted to the light filling up my room that seeped through the cracks of my curtained window. I turned off my alarm clock and sat on the edge of my bed with my face in my hands. I only got 4 hours of sleep since I was doing the project Mr. Andrew assigned the class yesterday not to mention all my AP classes my parents are making me do. Sometimes I wish I could tell them that enough is enough and how I want a break from everything. Of course, if I did say something equivalent to that I would serve some form of punishment for the wording let alone the action(s). I got up, stretched, yawned, and walked to my bathroom like a mindless zombie only to find myself in the mirror with blood shot eyes and messy hair. I’m glad no one but me sees the way I look without the works of makeup and hair products. I would like to not care for a day and just throw my hair in a sloppy bun, wear sweatpants and an oversized sweater. However, if I did this then I would be grilled from my friends or family. Everyone expects too much out of me. I look at the clock: 5:32 am and these thoughts are mine so early in the day. I walk over to the shower and turn the water on to my desired temperature. I love taking showers; it’s so relaxing and calms me. I sometimes take two showers a day just to relax, if not for a little while. After I finished taking a shower, I was in front of my mirror prepping my cheery attitude for the day. Some day’s I amaze myself at how fake I can actually be which is weird since I don’t like fake people at all. Maybe, in fact, I don’t even like myself. I blow dried my long brown hair until it was finally dry enough to curl it. Sometimes you have to change it up once in awhile. If not, people will get bored with your look and you won’t remain relevant to everyone. I certainly don’t want that. Or do I? Maybe I do but I’m scared of the outcome. My appearance is everything; without my appearance I am nobody. My grades are good, yes, but I can’t focus on my studies as much as I would possibly like. I have a good personality and I can be funny sometimes but no one gets my sense of humor. I don’t show it much. I usually act like some sort of ditz because guys think it’s cute. I don’t think it’s cute but I can play a long if I have to. Guys don’t like a smart girl or, at least, that’s what I’ve been told: from my mom. I don’t start school until 8 a.m. and it takes me 90 minutes or so to get ready. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to actually care. I wish I could sleep in until 7 and just change and go. Of course, my mom would have a freak out session and think I have been possessed by some demon if I decided to wear pajamas to school. Maybe I’m exaggerating but it would happen to some extent. I should try one day just to see the reaction and test my theories. At 7:10 I finish my final touches on my appearance: loose curls, Skinny Jeans from Forever 21, white tank top from Abercrombie, and, to finish it off, a Nordstrom purple plaid shirt. Today is one of those days where I like to take a slight risk. Yes, that’s my definition of taking a slight risk. Groundbreaking? No. Risky for me? Yes. I scan my appearance one more time before I make sure everything is OK. I lean in close to the mirror above my hope chest. I look at my face; light make-up, hazel eyes, button nose, and full lips. I can be somewhat critical of my appearance. My bottom lip doesn’t match my top lip and my nose could be slightly smaller but I do like my eyes. My face is my best feature and without it, I would be no one. Well, that’s silly because I would be someone but just another somebody. I fall in the midst of the crowd at high school which is something I do not yearn for. But, then again, there would be less attention focused on me and I could do things I want to do. I sometimes feel so manufactured that I disgust myself. I have to be popular. Being popular isn’t something I want but it’s something I’ve told myself religiously over and over again. I grab my bag and head out of my bedroom. I walk down the stairs and glance outside the window to see the bright sun, high in the sky with no clouds. Today is going

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Best Answer:

First of all, let me say that the concept of the book, though done before, is a good one... if you write it well. The rest of my comment may sound harsh, but I say it in the spirit of helping you. This excerpt is not great, in my opinion. Why not? Because nothing much happens. Take a look at each paragraph carefully. They have the same structure. Part one: Allison does some normal part of her day. Part two: Allison wishes she could not be so perfect all the time. Every single paragraph is like that. Instead of telling us readers about every little thing Allison does to get ready for the day, get into the action! Make something interesting happen. You can get across the same information - that Allison wishes she doesn't have to be so perfect - in one paragraph. I read this section and, though it is coherent and correct, I am uneasy about the rest of the book. Will you explain next how she gets in the car, walks into school, walks to her class, opens her locker, eats her lunch, etc.? None of this stuff matters to the plot of the book. I want story, not a play-by-play of her morning ritual. Best of luck!

Answers:

Good.. but you say I alot. I know its about you but it's seriously repetitive

thats relly good i would like to read more of that well done x

I read it. If you want a critique I can offer some suggestions. I thought overall the novel would actually make a better short story. The theme has been done before, so it may be difficult to interest people in reading a longer novel. Also, it seems you have setup a good portion of the story by showing her vanity and dislike of this within only about one chapter. Some items to look at: There are places in which a comma would really do some good. Also, for numbers under ten you should spell them out. Also, it sounds as if a male is thinking and writing, and not from a females voice. The time to get ready also sounds excessive. If this is the first time she dressed up, like for prom or something it may make sense, but if she had done this 1,000 times before she should be good and fast at doing so. Only my constrictive criticism, so take it for what it is worth.

what i read of it was pretty good - and when i say 'what i read of it' i mean i stopped after the first two paragraphs. it wasn't gripping enough. well, not for me, anyway. then again, i'm not especially in the reading mood so don't take that to heart. i like your writing technique though, but your tenses are all over the place.

First of all, let me say that the concept of the book, though done before, is a good one... if you write it well. The rest of my comment may sound harsh, but I say it in the spirit of helping you. This excerpt is not great, in my opinion. Why not? Because nothing much happens. Take a look at each paragraph carefully. They have the same structure. Part one: Allison does some normal part of her day. Part two: Allison wishes she could not be so perfect all the time. Every single paragraph is like that. Instead of telling us readers about every little thing Allison does to get ready for the day, get into the action! Make something interesting happen. You can get across the same information - that Allison wishes she doesn't have to be so perfect - in one paragraph. I read this section and, though it is coherent and correct, I am uneasy about the rest of the book. Will you explain next how she gets in the car, walks into school, walks to her class, opens her locker, eats her lunch, etc.? None of this stuff matters to the plot of the book. I want story, not a play-by-play of her morning ritual. Best of luck!